Over the Christmas break it was brought to my attention that my head has been shaking. My sister mentioned it to me about a month ago “Anne why is your head shaking?” but I hadn’t noticed anything and so I shrugged it off…maybe it was the chills or a shiver…I don’t know. I was almost offended by the way she looked at me. Then about 4 days ago my husband said “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to worry you…but your head has been shaking…it’s really weird.” I’m not going to lie. I’ve been pretty devastated about it. Worried. Just one more thing to pile onto the plate of all the things that are wrong with me. My head shakes…I notice it now, and when I catch myself doing it, I have to try not to cry…to not let myself get sucked off into some horrible panic.
I have had unexplainable medical problems for years. About 9 years that I can remember. I’m used to living with stuff, and I’m used to going to doctors and not finding any answers. I have also come to the conclusion that much (if not all) of my symptoms are just that. Not really illnesses, but a symptom of something bigger. Maybe even one main thing…that someday will all connect and I will finally understand and I will be able to heal.
I read somewhere that we are made up of energy…and that actually we are a very very VERY small amount of matter. Science has proven that things like walls are actually about 95% open space…that has also proven that to be true about humans. Some weird Quantum physics fact that absolutely amazed me when I read about it. Anyhow, I had the idea that perhaps illness does not really have much to do with our physical body…but more about all that left over space. I mean…they’ve looked for years at my physical body and they haven’t been able to tell me anything except “it all looks normal to us” but energetically…well…they can’t even see that.
I have this hope that I can heal…somehow. That my stomach aches, and headaches, and exhaustion, and fibromyalgia, and now head tremors will heal. Part of that healing, I think comes through needing to learn how to not be afraid of dying…and conversely not being afraid to live. I know I have been deeply afraid of both.
I once listened to a podcast by sounds true where they interviewed a man named Dr. Mario Martinez. His book The Mind Body Code was fascinating to me. Anyhow, in the podcast he mentioned how he could help people overcome their fear of death. Just yesterday I remembered him talking about it, and looked up online what he taught about it. He said that humans are not afraid of dying. Just like we are not afraid of being born. Those are natural things…things we are meant to do. But what we are afraid of is lamenting. I guess we are afraid of coming to our end, and mourning all of the things we wanted to do, but didn’t. He said that we should ask ourselves everyday “What am I lamenting today” and then we should go off and do those things. I laid down last night wondering about what on earth I was lamenting. And I realized that for weeks, months, maybe even years…I would often lament that I had not sat down to write. That I had had some amazing idea that day, and an amazing one the day before and I had written key words down on a paper, or maybe just tried to keep them filed away somewhere in my mind. And then day after day, nothing. Until the paper got lost, and the idea flittered away out of my brain to perhaps visit someone else who would take it seriously.
This is my year to heal. To live. To learn to be unafraid. To be accepting. To write.
I’m going to write, even if nobody in the entire world reads what I have to say…